


Things I, Harry Dresden, am no longer allowed to do

by TheLittleMuse



Category: The Dresden Files - Jim Butcher
Genre: F/M, Humor, Just a stupid list thing really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-09
Updated: 2017-01-09
Packaged: 2018-09-16 01:07:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9266921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLittleMuse/pseuds/TheLittleMuse
Summary: A list of the things Harry is no longer allowed to to do, with comments from Harry and other characters.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Basically this is a mess, continuity wise, because it references things from all over the books, so take each 'rule' as its own thing and don't take this bit of fun too seriously. It's a bit stupid and I wasn't sure whether to post it because basically I wrote it to entertain myself whilst trying to deal with some writer's block.  
> Please enjoy.

Things I, Harry Dresden, am no longer allowed to do.

 

  1. Hire out Mouse for pony rides, _even if he enjoys it_.



_Mouse would like to register his disappointment. You tell him he can’t, I’m not going to stop him._

  1. Show up at Thomas’ ‘boutique’. It’s bad for business.



-Unless it’s an emergency, then obviously you’re allowed to ask for help, Harry.

_I thought I was your mysterious gay lover?_

**_Oui, but ‘Arry, one’s rough and tumble shag does not show up in one’s place of work. Eet is most rude._ **

  1. Forge Murphy’s signature.



-I know it saves a lot of time, but it’s illegal, Harry.

_Spoilsport._

**_I can break your arm in seven places._ **

_May I register a very manly ‘eek’._

  1. Actually use the lifetime pass Marcone gave you for health club related activities. It freaks him out.



-Which I know was the point, but grow up, Harry.

_And if I want to get into shape surrounded by attractive women?_

**_Then you would have to explain to your girlfriend (lover … partner … I’m too old) why you’ve abandoned your perfectly good gym to be ‘surrounded by attractive women’_ **

_Are you jealous?_

**_Were you ever going to use the ‘health club’ for its not so legal purpose?_ **

_No!_

**_So should I be jealous?_ **

_Weeeeell. They were very pretty._

**_Stop being a child and needling Marcone. Come back to a proper gym. Your hand to hand needs work._ **

  1. Go to fan conventions dressed as a Jedi and do ‘Jedi tricks’.



_Oh, come on. That was fun. Besides I wasn’t the one carrying a real lightsaber!_

_ I didn’t use it! I mean, I might have got it out once, but that was for the kids! Kids! _

**_Sigh_ **

  1. Encourage the younger wizards to dress in Harry Potter robes when attending White Council meetings.



_ GRYFFINDORS RULE! _

**_Go away, Carlos, you’re not helping_ **

_The Merlin’s face was funny though. He had no idea what was going on. He probably hasn’t read a book written in the last century._

  1. Ask the vampires why they don’t sparkle.



**_Some insults go too far, Harry._ **

_Sorry, Thomas. But I have seen you sparkle once._

**_That was glitter spray!_ **

  1. Give Maggie a mini leather duster, _no matter how cute it looks._



_I refuse. She looks cute. If you can’t see that I feel sorry for you._

**_It’s too late. She loves the coat. We’ve got a mini Harry Dresden on our hands._ **

_Hah!_

  1. Talk in Yoda speak when training Molly.
  2. Sing ‘Let it Go’ around Mab.



_I concur. It was fun. Once. Owie._

  1. Start a band called ‘Nicky and the Nickelheads’.



-Write a lot of songs about how _sad_ it is to be a Fallen Angel.

- _Especially_ around Michael.

**_I swear I’m going to confiscate that guitar one day._ **

_But then what would Dr Butters say? It’s necessary for my recovery._

_ Dr Butters would like to register his neutrality in this conflict and remind everyone he’s not that kind of Doctor! _

  1. Casually remind Morgan of the time you _completely legally_ rode a zombie dinosaur named Sue into battle. It makes him twitchy.



_But reminding Morgan that he doesn’t divine right and wrong, and that he probably owes me his life due to some shaky greyish magic is one of the few joys I have in life._

**_Hoss, how many times have I told you that you need to say on the right side of Council and needling them at every chance you get isn’t going to help?_ **

_They’re never going to change their opinion of me. I could save their collective asses three times over and they’d still think I was Darth Vader in waiting._

  1. Ask the Gatekeeper for next week’s lottery numbers.



-Curse things when you realise he gave you the right answer, just really, _really_ ambiguously.

_I don’t think he minded, I mean, he did tell me the numbers after all. Just, not in a way I could understand. Probably meant it as some sort of lesson._

**_And did you learn anything?_ **

_Probably. And I’ll probably figure out what it was a year from now. Or he was just having a joke. Rashid is like that._

  1. Tell Lara she’s got something in her teeth.



_But she HAD something in her teeth._

**_Liar_ **

  1. Get drunk with Butters and run through the streets yelling, “Polka will never die!”



_ I really don’t remember this happening. _

_See, Butters says it never happened. It never happened._

  1. Forget Murphy’s birthday.



-Unless everything is on fire and we have to save the world. Then that’s ok.

-But a card. Or something. Maybe.

_It … was your birthday? Why don’t you warn me when these things are coming up?_

**_I shouldn’t have to._ **

_You forgot, didn’t you?_

**_I’m just saying it would be nice if one of us remembered._ **

_You never remember my birthday._

**_I do! I got you the (very illegal) service dog papers last year. Besides, things are generally going to hell at Halloween, so it makes things difficult._ **

_Point. Mouse likes his outfit, by the way. We should do … something then._

  1. Burger King does not constitute a date.



_The King will not take this insult lightly._

**_The King can deal. I’m choosing next time._ **

_Fine by me._

  1. Make ‘In Soviet Russia’ jokes around Sanya.



**_I could show you how things are done in Russia._ **

_And we’ve always been such good friends, Sanya, I’m hurt._

**_Education is good for the soul, Harry._ **

  1. Refer to Morgan as ‘Inspector Javert’.



**_I didn’t know you were a fan of musicals, Harry. SI will be amused._ **

_Actually, I read the book._

  1. Refer to the White Council as the ‘Council of Elrond’.
  2. Complain that ‘magic doesn’t work like that’ during games night. We know. Now be a good barbarian and smash things.



_ Actually, I think I might have figured out a better way to calculate magic in the game, according to how Harry says things work. _

**_Butters, Shut Up!_ **

_Me have Mighty Thews. Me like Jedi Man. Me think Jedi Man should speak about his ideas. Me willing to listen._

**_Oh God, now there’s going to be no end to it._ **

  1. Just … try not to blow things up? Like, a little. Maybe? Just this once, no property damage, please.



_You know, it’s not my fault nearly as often as people make it out to be. Really. Honest._

  1. Die. Again.



_I’m going to die one day, you know._

**_Dresden._ **

_Yes, Karrin, I promise to do my best not to die. You promise not to die too._

**_I promise too._ **

****

Signed. _Harry Dresden_

 


End file.
